Our story 🤍 TFMR

Bonnie Brogan - 17/01/21

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to write this down. It’s always felt like anything I have written is the wrong thing - it may offend someone, people will think it’s for attention or it’s just going to be too difficult for me to open up completely and be honest about it all.

Baby loss is something that is scarcely spoken about. Being someone who has suffered with poor mental health in the past, I feel that not discussing such a taboo subject would only be detrimental to my already ‘not so normal’ brain. Also, I feel it’s something that should be spoken openly about regardless if you have experienced it yourself, know someone who has or even know very little about the subject.

Michael and I recently lost our first baby. BONNIE BROGAN. When we found out we were pregnant I believe we felt like many other parents do, thrilled, fearful, overjoyed and also the anticipation of the unknown. Over the next couple of months I felt physically fine, excluding the constant exhaustion and need for sleep.

At first, I almost didn’t believe that I was actually pregnant. 6 pregnancy tests were not enough to persuade me so we booked a private scan at 8 weeks. This was the first time we were able to see Bonnie’s heartbeat and it made everything so real, we were so excited. 

They talk about a mothers instinct - at our 12 week scan I was terrified and had a different type of anxiety that I had never experienced before as we entered the hospital. I was right to feel that way. As the sonographer put the warm gel on my belly and started moving the ultrasound scanner it showed Bonnie’s heart beating away but she also had a large amount of fluid (cystic hygroma) from the nape of her neck round to her abdomen and ‘it didn’t look good’. The poor sonographer left the room and found a consultant immediately as she was stumbling her words and didn’t really know what to say to us. The consultant gave us so many facts and figures which at the time, felt like he was speaking in tongues. It didn’t enter my brain, the only info that I could take in was the fact that our baby had serious complications. He gave us 3 options - carry on the pregnancy as normal, have some tests to determine the cause of the fluid or have a termination. The fluid could have been caused by a number of things (chromosome or structural) and in order to confirm what the issue was I had to under go some invasive tests. There was no doubt in our mind that we needed to know what our baby was having to cope with in my tummy and that was the next step we would take. 

We waited 2 days before we returned to the hospital to get the tests carried out which were the longest 2 days of our lives. From the information and pamphlets we were given as well as the percentages of Bonnie being ‘fit and healthy’ from the consultant we already felt like we had lost our baby. We were definitely grieving at that point and I only really remember lying in bed with the telly on but pretty much just staring through the screen. 

2 days later we attended the hospital for CVS (Chorionic villus sampling) testing and then had to wait another 2 days for the results. On Christmas Eve we were told that our baby had Turner Syndrome which is a female only genetic disorder which effects around 1 in every 2000 baby girls. A girl with Turner syndrome only has one normal X sex chromosome, rather than the usual two.

This chromosome variation happens randomly when the baby is conceived in the womb.

With this news we naively felt much more positive than we had done previously. However the fact that we had found out at that early stage our baby was a girl was breathtaking. We had discussed previously that we would keep the babies sex as a surprise but receiving some beautiful news after the initial shit show was a blessing. There was still hope that our baby girl would survive and we felt like any of the characteristics that Bonnie may have, we could all manage. 

I would say we carried on with the pregnancy as normal but that would be a lie. We were still very concerned however the hope we had outweighed the worry. Due to the circumstances we were asked to attend a scan at 16 weeks. This time attending the hospital I felt apprehensive but was holding onto that ‘hope’ with both hands. We had a new consultant at this scan who was so calm, compassionate and informative. We saw Bonnie’s heartbeat again and saw her wriggling around like she had ants in her pants - we felt such a sense of relief. However almost instantly after that relief came dread. From the scan image anyone could see that Bonnie had much more fluid around her than she did 4 weeks before. The sinking feeling that consumed me was horrendous. The consultant told us that not only did Bonnie have much more fluid around her body than before but he could now see fluid internally very close to her heart (Non-immune hydrops fetalis (NIHF), a form of HF, is a severe fetal condition defined as the excessive accumulation of fetal fluid within the fetal extravascular compartments and body cavities, and is the end-stage of a wide variety of disorders). He went onto tell us that he had seen babies with this amount of fluid before but not very often. He also said that in his experience any babies with problems like this rarely make it to full term and if Bonnie did get there then she would maybe only enter the world alive for a few short hours. 

If I remember correctly, I held it together until we managed to get out of the hospital. As a self confessed emotional, anxious, sensitive person I find it fascinating how your body/brain can put that ‘face’ on until your in a safe place to ‘let go’. I felt completely numb. 

After doing a huge amount of research and discussing things for hours, Michael and I made the decision that no parent should ever have to make. A termination was something, never in a million years, we thought we would have to go through. There were so many parts of me telling me not go through with it however I knew deep down it was the right thing for Bonnie and for Michael and I. 

I gave birth to Bonnie at 20.13 on 17/01/21 with Michael by my side which I am so so grateful for. Thanks to a fantastic charity (SIMBA) we were given a beautiful private room in the hospital and after Bonnie arrived the midwife brought her back to us in a tiny Moses basket, wrapped up in a hand knitted blanket with a tiny hand knitted teddy next to her too. Also the midwives at the Royal Infirmary in Glasgow were utterly fantastic. We had 3 midwives all working 12 hour shifts and they could not have been more attentive and caring throughout. SIMBA also kindly provided us with a memory box with Bonnie’s hand and footprints, her blanket, teddy, a silver butterfly, beautiful photos of Bonnie the midwife personally took and lots of information for help and support. 

She was the most beautiful little lady I had ever laid eyes on. Her perfect tiny toes, fingers and nose. Michael and I were in awe. We were able to spend the whole night with her through to the following day. We held her, sang to her, told her how much we loved her and that we were sorry that she wasn’t going to come home to start her life in our little family. The time we got to spend with her was precious and something I will eternally be grateful for. 

We opted for a private cremation where only Michael and I attended. I can honestly say that this was the hardest part of the full experience for me. I think my mind and body was on auto pilot or fight mode right up until that point. We didn’t feel like any words were necessary at the funeral, we just had a few beautiful songs played and said our goodbyes holding each other. 

We have only just received her ashes and plan to walk up the hills and scatter them in a place of tranquility where she can wander the world in the breeze if she chooses to. Where this will be has yet to be determined however we want to ensure it’s somewhere we can visit regularly and remember how beautiful she was, how wanted she was and how much we miss her. 

Ive known for a long time that Michael is my soulmate however this process has made me love him so much more, which I didn’t think was possible. We have almost merged together and become one in order to pull through. I will be forever grateful for having him in my life and now know how much of a fantastic daddy he is and will be again in the future.

Our friends and family have also been so supportive. Times like these truly show the people who care for you and love you. Without them, this process would have been tremendously challenging, even though all contact has been FaceTime, text, phone calls or short walks. Receiving an embrace from someone you love and someone who loves you back just as much is priceless. Not being able to get that hug, for as long as you feel you need, when your hurting so bad is majorly tough. 

Before this experience I was pretty uneducated and definitely naive when it came to baby loss. Not that I’m now a professional in any sense however there is so much information, charities, groups and other mummy’s out there who are there to help. With such a taboo topic, I now feel like the importance of educating people about miscarriage, missed miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, cot death, neonatal loss, losing a baby through illness, TFMR (termination for medical reasons) or IVF is something that I feel we all have to understand, firstly the process and secondly the grief that the parents and other family members endure. 

I wish I could explain more eloquently how I’m currently feeling however I don’t think any words could ever define this. Loss is something that before Bonnie, I luckily hadn’t experienced hugely until my grandfather passed away. Although that was so heavy on my heart as I was unable to say goodbye properly due to COVID, losing your own child is a different experience.  

Grief for me is coming in waves. Before I sleep at night and as soon as I wake up in the morning, Bonnie is the person I think about. There are certain times when I’m not fully consumed by the grief as small things are able to distract me for a short period of time. After that distraction dissipates you automatically feel guilt for not having your baby at the forefront of your mind. Hearing a babies cry on the television has made me long to hear that cry for me. For Bonnie to want to be consoled by either her mummy or daddy which is heartbreaking when you know you won’t be able to experience this with your first baby.  I feel like triggers are everywhere, you see babies everywhere, mothers with prams, baby bumps, Facebook and Instagram friends telling the world of their exciting news on social media (something we didn’t do due to the bad news at 12 weeks), young kids playing outside or seeing their tiny footprints in the snow. The smallest thing can make you trip over the edge of that thousand foot cliff.

I read a book recently ‘The baby loss guide’ and there was a section that pretty much said when you lose a child and you are in the all consuming grief you feel like you want to die. It’s not that suicide is at the forefront of your mind as you wouldn’t want your friends and family to go through that, you just don’t want to be on this earth, you only want to be with your baby. If a bus was to knock you down and you were to die then that would be just fine. Or if you fall asleep forever in order to constantly dream of your baby then that would be ok too.

A quote I came across recently  - ‘I want for nothing but yearn for everything.’

Michael and I are only at the very early stages of this journey and I understand that the loss will never leave us however I know that the heartbreak we feel now will eventually turn into the beautiful memories with Bonnie that we will cherish forever. 

Although this is still extremely raw and atm all days merge into one, if writing down this experience and the loss of Bonnie has helped to give people the option to read, ask or share then I feel a little of the really heavy weight on my shoulders has been lifted. 

The fact that we got to meet Bonnie, even for that short period of time is something that will stay in our hearts forever 🤍

Bonnie, we love you to heaven and back ❤️

Some info that has helped me over the last few weeks 

Insta: 

@simba_team

@zoeadelle

@sayinggoodbye_charity

Websites

https://www.simbacharity.org.uk/

Books

Saying goodbye - Zoe Clark-Coates

The baby loss guide - Zoe Clark-Coates  

Podcasts

Time to talk TFMR