Why do I still feel like this?

Where do we go after we die? Where are you now? Can you hear me? Should I talk to you more often? Do you know how much I want to hold you and touch you again? Do you know how much I love you? Why do I still feel like this? Did I go back to work too early? Should I have went back earlier? Do people think I’m being too open? Should I shut up about it now? In fact, should I shout about it more? Why do I still feel like this? How many people I know actually disagree with TFMR?  Should we have carried on the pregnancy regardless? If we had, would you still be in my tummy? Would I have posted my first bump pic by now? Would I have felt you kick? Why do I still feel like this? Would it have been more difficult if we lost you naturally? Would it have been easier? Is the pain the same for every mother who has had to say goodbye to their child? Am I overreacting? Would I have gotten to full term? If i did, would you have had as many complications as the docs made out? Would you have survived? If not, how far along would I have been? Why do I still feel like this? When do we try to get pregnant again? If we get pregnant ‘quickly’ would you feel like we are replacing you? If we leave it too long, will I ever feel ‘ready’? If we get pregnant quickly, have we had enough time to properly grieve? Why do I still feel like this? Is it always going to feel like a rollercoaster? Will I ever stop crying? I’m I ever going to be able to hold it together? How do I get through the bad days? Am I the only person that feels this way? Why do I still feel like this? If I’m lucky enough to have another baby, will I wish this baby was you? Why am I thinking this far ahead? Is that bad? Will I have different relationship to our next child that I would with you? Why do I still feel like this? Am I ever going to feel like ‘The old Monica’? Is this experience going to make me stronger or slowly pull me under? Will it affect the relationship between Daddy and I? Does he blame me? Why do I blame myself? Will the guilt ever dissipate? Why do I still feel like this? Will we ever fall pregnant and have no compilations? What if we miscarry when we fall pregnant again? What if there are other complications? Will we ever have our own family? What if I become too old to conceive naturally? Why do I still feel like this? Do you think of me? Did you know you were here? Did you hear me sing to you when you were in my arms? Do you realise how much I miss you? How much I love you? 

Will I feel this way forever?...

Will I ever forget you?.....NEVER.